I had my 4th session with Pat today. He had well bad coffee breath, it was knockin’ me sick!  I was a bit tired an’ all cos mam had the telly up way too high watchin’ Game of Thrones so I couldn’t fall asleep proper. Daft bint! Anyway, I went in to Pat as usual, undercover! If anyone saw me going’ in there I’d never hear the end of it. I sometimes think what would I do if they did? Would I stop? To be honest, I really wouldn’t want to.  It gives me a bit of a break, you know?  It’s been about a month now.

When I left, I started to fink about that first day when I went in. God, I felt like such a knobhead. There was no way I was givin’ him anyfin’.  I wasn’t givin’ him me last Rollo that’s for sure.  But… I just don’t know what happened. One minute I was tellin’ him where to go and the next I was saying what a gobshite me dad was and how me mam is a bit crackers and doesn’t really give a shit about me.   I didn’t mean to.  He just looked… harmless I guess.  He’s not like me teachers who make me feel like they’d be better off without me in class, or worse, that I’m just invisible.

I guess it was down to his… what do yer call it?  Body language, you know?  His arms weren’t folded and he wasn’t checking his phone every two minutes. I’ve never heard it go off once!  He was just there in, like, dad trousers.  You know, where the seam is perfect all up the front, like a trainspotter? And his hands were together on his lap, like they were dead comfortable. Like they were happy to be there for a while.  And his eyes…his eyes were just on me.  Not in a pervy way but waiting for me to speak.  Who does that, like? No-one I know.  Normally they can’t wait to get away quick enough.

There’s a woman in the canteen mind, Birdy, and she knows me mam.  Sometimes she’ll throw extra peas on me plate. I really like peas. Not mushy peas, they look like summat on a baby’s face them.  And, she knows I love tuna sandwiches so she always saves the ones with cucumber on ‘em for me.  She’s nice to me, and always stops me to ask when I’m goin’ in for X Factor and I always say ‘When they’ve got taste, Birdy!’ She always laughs, maybe she’s a bit of a nutter. I don’t fink she likes me mam though cos mam always  flirts with Birdy’s husband. But, she’s really nice to me.  Sometimes, I fink she feels sorry for me but I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about that. Does that mean there’s something wrong with me?

Kelly is a character created by Colette Forde as a way to reduce the stigma around seeking therapy. You can read part one here and part two here.

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