In this universe, we are all constantly moving. Everything has its own frequency at which it moves at. Plants grow, the planets rotate the sun and stars whither and new ones are born. It is the same with humans, in every sense. You may remember an article I wrote nearly two years ago, coming out as a lesbian (which you can read here). That was a momentous moment in my life. For two years, I sat comfortably with my label, knowing who I was at the time.
Since then, I have had the pleasure of falling in love with a boy. Yes, a ‘lesbian’ falling in love with a boy. When I realised I had deep feelings for him, I had to reassess my labels. I became bogged down in how other people would perceive me. The words ‘faker’ and ‘poser’ circled around in my brain like angry vultures. I did not tell my parents we were dating for a few weeks and did not announce publicly for at least two months. I was not ashamed of him; on the contrary, he made me the happiest I believed I had ever been. I was ashamed of myself, for pigeonholing myself into one corner, pressing a label (or a ‘badge’ as I called it at the time) onto myself. I did some research, wondering if there was something wrong with me, if what had happened was usual or if I was some magnificent liar, to myself and others. What I discovered put me at ease.
As I am part of the LGBTQ+ community, I made sure to educate myself on topics that did not directly affect me but affected my brothers, sisters, and siblings. I knew that gender was fluid, that nonbinary and gender non-conforming people existed and that they were valid. Your gender can change over time, even shifting day by day. Then I came across the same hypothesis, but for sexuality. It confirmed my deep-rooted belief; that I had never lied to myself, that I had truly been gay for a while, but as I changed and grew, so did my sexuality. I was not ‘cured’ or ‘turned’; I simply fell in love with a person. For two years, I was a lesbian. Now, I go by queer, an all-encompassing term that basically means you are ‘not straight’. I am comfortable with this, as it means I can love and be loved by whomever I choose. I only ever labeled myself for other people, believing it was the right thing to do. And, at the time, it was!
I feel no shame in coming out. In fact, I have come out around three times in my life already. Exploring your sexuality is nothing to shy away from. It is like trying to find a good pair of jeans; try on a few, take them home, see if they fit, and if they don’t, change them! There is no harm in discovering who you are, and who you are might change. We must all be comfortable with that change. I have recently started using she/they pronouns, which feels right. It may not feel right next year or even next month, but that is okay. We are all on a journey, we are all constantly moving, and we must embrace that movement and go wherever life takes us.
Some supports if you are needing some help:
BELONGTO: Support for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender individuals in Ireland.
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