Family stuff happens, and sometimes it hurts. This young lady wrote this letter that she will never send to her Dad, but wanted to get how she felt off her chest. Writing stuff down is a great way to get your head around how you feel, and sometimes helps a little.
I have so many memories of our family growing up. Most of them involve sunny days, on holidays at the beach, you throwing me over your head, or Christmas time, us all putting on our best clothes and going to Mass together. Mam so proud of us all and you with a hand on each of our shoulders.
It was all so beautiful, and I was so happy. But now it all feels like a lie, It’s all ruined, and we’ll never have days like those again.
I thought you idolised us. You were never home, but you were working hard for us. “Its so hard on me”, you used to say, “I do it for your future, so you’ll have the things I never had.”
That was also a lie.
It all happened overnight, you were found out. You had been seeing her for ages. You were leaving, and had packed up and gone without even saying goodbye. A text arrived, “Things are not working out with your Mam, I love you.” The next time I saw you was when you arrived at the house like a visitor, sitting uncomfortably on the edge of the couch looking at the floor. It was all arranged that Mam would be gone, it was your time. I really wanted you to have a good reason that would make sense to me. I wanted to understand. As you looked me square in the eye and said it was her fault, she wasn’t a good wife, she didn’t understand you, you were in love, you couldn’t help how you felt, my heart sank. You were lying, I knew it, but you didn’t. You believed your own lies. You wanted me to feel sorry for you. I wished you would leave.
I blame myself. If I had been prettier, cuter, smarter, better behaved, more loveable maybe you wouldn’t have left. Maybe I drove you away. It’s all my fault. My head knows that’s not true but that’s how my heart feels.
I know you don’t get it. I know you feel sorry for yourself. But you’ve ruined my life. I need to look after Mam now. I feel guilty every time I leave her alone. You’re supposed to take care of each other when we leave. Did you think twice about leaving that duty behind you?
You have ruined my trust. I’m young yet, but I wonder if you ruined my future relationships too? Will I let men treat me like crap? Will I treat them like crap? Who knows. Only time will tell.
I am writing this because I don’t think you’ll ever know what you’ve done to us. You say you couldn’t help it “I fell in love”. Why weren’t you already in love, with us?
One day I hope you get it, and know what you’ve done. But I will never understand.
I’ll be okay, I’ll be stronger, but not today.
If you’re struggling with family issues, and want to talk to someone, contact Childline, or ask a trusted teacher, relation or family friend to refer you to someone. Talking helps, we promise x