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Heartbreak - The Shona Project

Ah, heartbreak. If Monday’s could be a feeling, we think this would be it. Whether you finally plucked up enough courage to tell them you liked them, like really like like them, and were shot down with the “I just want to be friends“. Or, you’ve been together for years, have your whole summer mapped out, and they just turn around and call it off in a single text.  Regardless of how it happened, heartbreak is a feeling like no other. It feels like having your heart ripped out and put through a mincer.

It might be hard to hear, and we know you’ll blame yourself but, really, you probably haven’t done anything wrong and it was just down to chemistry and connection. We here at SHONA have been through our fair share of heartbreaks and we have all survived, coming out the other side as better people.

We found a TED Talk by a chap called Guy Winch. He tells us how he recommends fixing a broken heart. Now, we watched it all, and like we always do, we are here to break down the main points:

The Recovery Process After Heartbreak Is Long! 

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When we say long, we mean LONG! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not as simple as waking up one day and feel as good as new. Now, what Guy Winch wants you to know is that heartbreak is not a journey. It’s a fight. Your willpower is your strongest weapon.

It may sound like utter madness, but the first step in making yourself feel better is to be like Elsa and LET.IT.GO! It may require dozens of litres of Ben and Jerrys and countless hours of watching Friends re-runs, but we are grabbing our spoons and scooting in right beside you on the couch. We are with you!

You have to accept that the relationship is over. Otherwise, you are feeding yourself with hope and that’s just going to set you back. We don’t need you going in any other direction than straight ahead.

Break That Heartbreak Addiction

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This is going to blow your socks off, but did you know that studies of the brain have shown the withdrawal people go through after a breakup, is similar to the withdrawal symptoms addicts feel when they are coming off of abusive substances? Guy Winch says the only issue is, an addict knows when they are using. Someone who is heartbroken doesn’t realise the different things they are doing like stalking your ex (yes we did that too) or going down memory lane is actually acting as a fix for your addiction.

When your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again, lead you down the wrong path. You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you. You might be lucky and have the reason for the breakup. It could be as simple as the connection is no longer there. Oftentimes, we might reject it though. Our heart is experiencing such emotional pain, that our head tells us the reaction must be as equally dramatic.

It’s a tough solution and may sound harsh but it’s for the best. No breakup explanation is going to feel satisfying, no rationale can take away the pain you feel. So,  just don’t search for one, don’t wait for one. Just accept the one you are offered, heck even make one up for yourself, then PUT. IT.TO.BED! You need that closure to resist the obsession.

Pull Them Off That Pedestal

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Without you realising, you’ll think about them. At the start, it will be 24/7. As time passes by, it will be less and less, but they will still manage to sneak into your thoughts. This again is feeding your obsession. What you might notice is that you’ll only remember all of their good parts. The smile, the laugh, how fun they were. All it does is make your loss feel more painful. To avoid this, you have to balance them out. Remember their frown, how bad they made you feel, how you used to argue over silly things and not talk for days.

What Guy Winch recommends, and we second it, is to write a list. And we mean a LONG one! Get out your phone and start typing. Note all of their bad qualities, all the reasons why they weren’t the one and all of your pet peeves. Got it done? Yeah? Good! Now anytime you feel yourself thinking about their dreamy locks or sparkly eyes, pull that phone out and read that list! You’ll soon stop idolising them, just continue reminding your brain that they weren’t right for you.

Do not give them a leading role in the next part of your life, when they shouldn’t even be an extra.

Fill Those Gaps

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Believe it or not, that feeling of being alone can affect our ability to function as normal. The simplest of everyday tasks can become next to impossible to do. It also won’t just go away after a week or so, it often takes over a year to process a heartbreak. Similar to when you lose a loved one. The thing with relationships is that you usually fill your time with mutual friends and hobbies that you do together. Now that you are on your own, you might have lots of spare time and gaps in your life. Those need to be filled in ASAP!

Now, we mean ALL of the gaps. Whether it’s times you went for coffee with friends, the morning runs you went on with them or even that now empty space on your wall where your fav pic of you both hung. Reach out to your squad or even your family. Get a new coffee date, join a running club where you can meet new people, and get the biggest picture of your cat/dog/or whatever your heart desires and pop that up on your wall. As those gaps begin to close, the little reminders of them every day will begin to fade too. This is when your heart can start to heal.

So, that’s what we got from Guy Winch’s video, but if you would like to watch the whole thing, you can do it below.

 

Oh! While we have you. Remember that you never truly forget anyone completely. Everyone who comes into your life is part of who you are and the person you will become. If they chose to leave your life, let them. Hold your head high and know that there are better days ahead.

When all is said and done, you don’t need someone else’s approval or love to feel you are good enough. You exist, and therefore you matter and deserve love, just as much as anyone else does.

P.S. We complied a playlist for breakups, some songs are to be screamed at the top of your lungs while angrily punching the air. Others might be listened to while you are crying, but we mean full-on mascara down your face, snotty mess cry. Feel those feelings for as long as you need to, and then get back up and remind yourself that you’re beautiful and that someone would be lucky to have you.

 

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