There is no such thing as a guide on “How to deal with Death and life’s other s**t” but sometimes I really, really wish there was.
There is no written set of rules, for everyone it’s different. Some people never talk about it, never deal with it and continue a life of pain and sorrow.
Others are very open about their loss and perhaps feel the need to over share it maybe and want the whole world to stop and mourn with them. I apologise to be so blunt but there are just some people who love misery.
Finally there are people like me. Obsessive, compulsive planners that in one split second their whole life was changed but the thing about being an obsessive, compulsive planner is that you can adapt to pretty much any situation when needed. All I’ve done so far is adapt.
When everything was over, that’s when it was the worst I felt like I was the loneliest person in the world engulfed in darkness with no way out. My whole life made no sense. Everything I did felt like I did it for nothing and I just wanted to give up. There was no more point to this. Everything was taken away from me. People are always quick to tell you that “Things will get better” or “You will make it through this” but nobody wants to tell you about the ugly truth about losing someone close to you. Nobody tells you about how many nights you won’t be able to sleep for or how you will hate everything and anything for a while. How everywhere you look, everywhere you go and every little thing you do will remind you of them. How a simple question like “have you any brothers or sisters?” will always cut you to the very core and make you remember that final day or even just the sun shining because you know they can never ever see such a simple thing again.
I’m no death guru nor am I a councillor but I just share what works for me in the hope that it may work for you too if you find yourself in a similar situation.
I have yet to fully realise his death, it will take a long time. I still look for him in crowds and sometimes get excited if I see someone who resembles him in the hopes that it is him.
There are some days where life is just too overwhelming for me and I just don’t want to see the sun rise anymore while then there are days that you may feel a little excited for something that you have been planning and life is bearable on that day.
With everything you do though it never leaves you. Sure you smile and laugh but you smile and laugh a little sadder than before and with everything you do they are always on your mind, just there like they are part of you. Everything you do is tainted with a sadness that you just accept as being part of you and from here on in that’s just the way it will be. Those big life moments of yours will be that much sadder because for you the person you need to be there won’t be there and that’s hard. Life will still continue and it will continue throwing its shit at you and some days it will be so so difficult to deal with the fact that your hair and makeup just won’t co operate or that fella didn’t text you back while also dealing with the death of your loved one. I’m sorry to say but life does’t stop because sadly your world did.
There are friendships and relationships that you will lose unfortunately. Some people just cannot handle it nor can they handle your grief and your pain. I lost both when my brother died but what will also happen is that people will be there for you, even people you never imagined. They will step up to the mark and be there with you every step of the way. New friendships will blossom and you will be forever grateful. It’s really true what they say that hard times reveal true friends.
The one thing that people have said to me that is true is that “you will learn to live with it”. You will just have to greatly readjust. And it won’t take a day, or a week or a month. You will spend the rest of your life readjusting. It’s like walking up the stairs in the dark and thinking there is one more step than there is and your foot falls down through there air and there is that sickly moment of dark surprise and you try and readjust the way you think of things.
That’s the way life is for me. There will be a lot of hard and difficult and dark times, days where you just don’t want to carry on that’s just inevitable but you have to find an outlet for yourself. A coping mechanism and a release.
I gave up my whole career and my whole future that I had been working my whole life towards and started something meaningful. Something that gives me that coping mechanism to cope with the loss that I have suffered. Without Alex’s Adventure I wouldn’t be here today or else I would but I would be a complete and utter ruined mess.
It isn’t easy to live life and carry on when you lose someone who means everything that ever was to you. There are no rules, no guides and no steps on how to deal with a loss but all you need is to find that small tiny glimmer of light within your darkness. That hope no matter how small it is, that even though right now your world is ending there is a chance it may get a little better. And you do this in your own time how ever many days, months or years it may take.
And believe me. If I can do it, so can you..