We are fast approaching your 12 year anniversary. Can you believe that? I still remember the day you left us like it was yesterday and as hard as it is not to have you here with us now I am glad you have had your pain and suffering taken away.
When you left I didn’t know what to do with myself, I was 10 years old lost, confused and broken. I thought I was ready to say goodbye, ready to see you go and ready to accept that things had to be this way but I wasn’t. With each day I sat by your bed, with you still breathing, sleeping, I grasped onto more and more hope that what the doctors were saying was not true, with each day I saw you breath I began to deny the fact you were dying. Maybe it was my young age, or maybe it was the harsh reality that my mum was about to die, but I wasn’t ready to see you go and I don’t think I was ever going to be ready.
I often find myself questioning things, like why you got cancer, why you died, why we couldn’t just have a bit more time with you and I always come up with the same answer every time and that answer is that everything happens for a reason. Everything happens for a reason yet I’m still struggling to find the reason for you dying, why I was left without a mother at the tender age of 10 when I needed you the most. Everything happens for a reason but what could possibly justify a 10 year old having to watch her mother die?
I know it’s not your fault that you died and it certainly wasn’t your fault that you got cancer but when you died I couldn’t help but be angry at you. I couldn’t understand why you would leave me, why you couldn’t just fight for a bit longer but in truth I had lost you before you even died. In the weeks up to your death it was clear you weren’t the caring, kind, loving, unique mother you once were. What you had become was a frail, pain stricken women who needed her suffering to end. I see that now and I understand that now, my anger towards you is gone and I can only hope for your forgiveness for having so much anger and resentment towards you for dying.
I’m not entirely sure what my stance is on religion and to be honest it’s not something I have thought much about but I know you once had a special place in your heart for religion and I can only hope you have made it to heaven. I like to think that you’re somewhere right now with your mum and dad, hopefully looking down on me. I really do hope I have made you proud over the years despite all the pain and suffering I have caused the rest of the family.
There are nights where I lie awake crying because I miss you so much, wishing for just one more day, one more cuddle, one more conversation and a chance to see your smile just one more time. It hurts knowing that I will never see you again, never get to hold your hand again. It hurts knowing you won’t be there on my wedding day, knowing you won’t meet your grandchildren and most of all it hurts knowing that I will never get to hug you and feel 100% secure like I once used to.
You were my rock and you are my idol. I can only hope I will become half the women you once were. Still today I meet people who knew you and it brightens my day when I meet these people because I know that you have left an imprint on more than just your family and that you will never be forgotten!
There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about you, where I don’t miss you and where I don’t wonder why you had to be taken away from us. Every day I look in the mirror and try and find similarities between our faces hoping I can be as beautiful as you. Not a day goes by where I don’t question if I am making your proud and if I am becoming the young women you once hoped I would be. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of your smile and feel your love rush through me and not a day goes by without me wish for my mother back!
When I lost you part of me broke, I died a bit inside and I began to crumble slowly. Bit by bit a piece of me broke off, I turned to self-harm, I got lost and I struggled to find my way back. I can only thank you for being the light at the end of the tunnel and helping me back onto the right track, the track that saw me overcome my depression and self-harm, the track that saw me fight like you once did and the track that showed me how to live me life and be like you.
12 years is a long time and soon we will be officially marking the 12 years since you have passed. It has been a hard 12 years and even now I am still trying to comprehend that it has actually been 12 years. Its hard to accept that you are gone, that you have missed half of my life but I know you are still with me, somewhere and always you are with me. I hope I have made you proud and I hope to make you proud in the future. You were truly a one in a million mother and nothing will ever change your uniqueness.
I love you to the moon and back,
Love Siobhán xxx