|

Alexandra is many wonderful things, and being a member of the trans community is just one of them. She prepared a lovely speech which she was scheduled to deliver in her first public talk today. Unfortunately, her anxiety got in the way. We think what she wrote is important and heartfelt, and worth sharing. This is Alex’s story…..

I currently occupy what I like to call the middle space.

The middle space is that gap between male and female. It’s the difference between ‘sir’ and ‘miss’ from a sales assistant.

It’s the funny looks you get as you walk on the bus. The gormless stares of people on the street who should know better.

I feel guilty to admit this but some days I enjoy providing that brief gender mindf@*& to people. I like watching their concept of gender crumble in front of their eyes as they realise there is more to gender than blue and pink. Sometimes you can see fireworks exploding just behind their eye as you walk past.

Other days, being in the middle space isn’t as fun. It’s tough having your true gender expression be disrespected or ignored. It’s each sir that cuts into you. It’s the heaviness on your chest when someone doesn’t look away as your gaze confronts theirs. Your brain flickers into panic mode as your stomach drops.

They know.

On those days, I feel like hiding myself away. Convincing myself that if I hide away long enough, they’ll just forget about me. they can’t hurt me if I just exist as a memory to them. The days when I wish I could disappear until I can make peace with my flaws.

Thankfully not all days are like this. Some days, I can see my feminine features. I can see the person I’m becoming and there’s hope. I can see a future without misgendering or strangers staring. Where being called ‘miss’ is the norm and not some anomaly.

One day, I will walk out into the world and when they stare, I will stare back with pride because I will, without half measures or concessions, be me.

Alexandra